01 April 2010
"Two Scoops" #Fridayflash
Jackson sat there in handcuffs, slick as an oil-spill in his sateen getup, feathered black hair, and thin moustache. He'd been around the block a couple of times. Hillcroft was no more than an unbroken bronco: wheat-colored hair and glaring green eyes as he tugged at his restraints. A new dealer to the thug enterprise, an ex-boxer and thief that wasn't all right upstairs, Hillcroft clearly disturbed Jackson.
"And so I opened the trunk, and oh sweet baby Jesus, if Hillcroft hadn't made ten bodies fit in the back of that T-Bird."
"You say ten bodies?" Marilyn (just Marilyn) was a tough broad, one of the few on the force. Her daddy was a cop, so she just walked into the job, but soon proved herself to have bigger balls than the rest of them.
"You told me to get rid of them," Hillcroft shot back and glared across the metal table at Jackson.
"I want him outta here," Jackson said to Marilyn, "He's crazy. I got my rights you know."
"Pipe down both of you," she said and leaned over the table at the younger thug. "This true Bill-Hill? You fit ten bodies in the back of a 1974 Thunderbird?"
Hillcroft grinned. "Ain't nobody called me Bill-Hill in ages. I did."
"You cheated, you little shit," Jackson growled."Bill-Hill. He's proud of that you know."
"I did your record up by a couple."
Marilyn pushed off of the table and smirked.
"And this is why you were found off State 90, scooping parts out of the trunk with shovels like kids with sundae spoons."
"I told him not to cut off the goddamn legs. Not the fucking legs."
"It was more than legs from looking at the photos." Marilyn spread out the 9X11 glossies on the worn surface. "Distinctly Picasso. And to think, if you'd just taken two trips, you wouldn't be here."
Jackson kicked Hillcroft under the table.
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You knew I'd like this, right? You really have a good ear for thug-speak. And cop-speak, and whatever-else-speak.
I love you wording and tone in this one! You got the gritty detective style down pat.
(I had to google the word sateen)
Brilliant - "slick as an oil-spill" conjures up SUCH a vivd picture...
If you want to have a look at my first #FridayFlash effort, it's at http://bit.ly/9CKdDl :--)
You are just so freaking brilliant Carrie. Your words never cease to amaze, and entertain me.
OMG - I also love the tone of this - these guys, just out for a little fun to break their record.
Creepy guys and very visual piece - Excellent!
I like this, although that would be one drippy T-Bird.
Noir everywhere. Must be the weather or something...
Not real bright, are they? If they'd just made two trips...
Brilliant! Loved the quick rounds between them.
Great story. Picasso-esque? Ew. Still- great story!
Love it! Great dialogue and the imagery of what was in the trunk of the t-bird!..
Is that why American cars are so much bigger than European ones?
I loved this dark, comic little tale. Your word choices were spot on.
Ten bodies in a T-Bird - that's visual poetry, Carrie! But wait, there's more here than meets the eye: Picasso? 'Jackson' Pollock, surely?
Graphic, gritty, great read!
Reminds me of Sin City. Like how it plays, cool and smooth, even though we're talking about body parts and trunk filling fun.
Ewww- can you imagine the smell? I think maybe I can too well. (There are some disadvantages to being a nurse.) This was so vivid. Well written and I agree the voice is perfect. Nice.
Edgy voice and dialogue. And funny in a surreal, painful way. Great stuff, Carrie.
And this is why minivans will never go out of style. You think those are soccer moms, but they're actually prolific Bloody Maries.
'Sundae spoons'. I laughed so hard, the S/O had to come check on me. :)
I love this! great characters, excellent dialogue (from which I have learned a thing or two), but your line about sundae spoons is making me feel ill!
Everyone got something different out of this. This is progress for me. I stopped the story when Ben Jackson kicked Billy Hillcroft under the table.
Dialogue is easy, just listen to people talk in restaurants. People don't talk to each other, just in one anothers' general direction.
Now if I could just the punctuation downpat. EVIL commas...
You guys brighten my day with your liking you know. Every day. :)
You are the master at dialogue. And description. And scene setting.
I guess I'm saying that you are masterful when you write!
The Picasso reference is great. Can really picture how those bodies looked. :)
For me, there's nothing like a well written crime-noir story. This works - as with your others - because it's real. Criminals try to be smart but they're mostly stupid.
The cop is perfect in this - playing it cool and even tells them how they should have done the crime. . . AH! I love it!
The ending was perfect - under the table kicking.
Carrie, as always, it's perfect. But that's your style! :)
Hilarious and gruesome. Love the line "Distinctly Picasso." Brilliant. Well done! :-)
For all the reasons above, this was a real pleasure to read.
Excellent dialogue and description in this one. Love how you flesh out these characters in such a small space, too. Great story!
An excellent sense of atmosphere in this story, which you've created with your excellent, spot-on dialogue and details. The first paragraph does a great job through its tone of setting up the rest of the work, pulling the reader into this world. Well done!
Very dark and very comic. Nicely done.
Pulpy and delicious, Carrie... So much to dig here. And love the pic, btw. I miss those HUGE 70s boats... Mine was a Buick.
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